millionfuckingtimes

I don't know.  I somehow, don't want to hold a grudge against anyone.  In fact, I kinda feel bad of how I've been towards them.  Like the late nights, not really bothering about what they say...yada..yada.  

I feel bad, especially towards my Dad.  I feel kinda of weird.  I used to not give a damn how he is and what he says.   Long history behind that.  But there was this one thing he told my Mom that struck me.  

It's going to sound retarded but, I find it quite true.

It's about the surname I bare.  The "Alhadad" surname.  He said to my Mom, "He has the Alhadad blood in him.  I know how he is like - because he is just like me.  If I don't control him now, you will lose him in the future."

It's true.  My uncles, on my dad side, are all very hard-headed.  The ones that have been well looked after are all rich and succesful, however, the ones who have chosen to live a life of their own, life isn't so terrific for them now.  

I usually am on very good terms with my Mom, a month back, I disappointed her so much, she cried.  I feel terrible for that.  I vow never to do that again.  As much as she can make my life so difficult at times, I usually bare with it.  She cried because I blew my top that day.  I had tolerated too many things and couldn't take it anymore.  

Imagine this, I disappointed my Mom once and she cried.  My Dad, I disappoint him EVERYDAY.  I can't imagine how he feels.  I think the reason I don't see his disappointment is because, as a guy, he doesn't show it.  

I can't sleep thinking of this.  As much as I want that new notebook, and that I am uber annoyed because they posponed mine to get my Dad's first, I don't want to make them sad or worry about me anymore. 

My Dad returned and told me, "Hey, I bought an Acer, is that good?", and I went like "Yea, sure."

Before that, I even refused to accompany them to help him find a good one - knowing that they don't know anything about computers.

I'm a terrible son.  I want to be good.  Maybe, they'll see it in me someday and realise it.